How to drive everyone away from you

Reference things people don't get

Every single time someone passes you a towel, tell them not to panic, if they realise you are quoting Hitch hikers guide, wink and simply say "my brain isn't the only thing the size of a planet" If they are still going a long with the joke and are laughing you MUST shout "MY PENIS IS HUGE" at your crotch.

This works best if you are a women

Use humour that requires basic coding knowledge for full impact say it outloud (less than "f" "a" "c"...")

If by some miracle someone gets this joke, walk away from the conversation and never speak to them again, you were too close to happiness.

Make stuff up, this ensures no one will get the reference and will cause further confusion when they look it up later. Jesus, your hair looks just like the cpu on that old game, Framtron on the Xenus 2.

Ensure you make everyone come and look at your comparison and when they don't see it or get bored and what to walk away repeat "don't you see it? FOR THE LOVE OF F@*KING HELL they are exactly the same.

Another way references can really get peoples backs up is to say they look just like Ashley from back home, use this as an excuse to insult Ashley only mentioning that he/she recently went through major corrective surgery after 20 solid minutes.

Dump your significant other by quoting shakespeare, when she gets her hopes up, tell her she is Caliban. When relieving a grieving widow, compare her hardship to the penultimate level of frogger, reminding her that she can't just insert another coin and he is definitely permadead.

At your anniversary dinner, compare the first time you met your significant other to the holocaust, then try and comfort her telling her no, no no "We're both the Nazis" Cry loudly on the bus, if someone asks you what is wrong, tell them "she's in another castle"

Drop the word qwerty into all conversations, it can have the following meanings,

horny - Touch me, oh yea you're making me so qwerty

cheeky(bad) - I could smack his face in the qwerty bastard 

someones name - Qwerty, pass me the ruler

BONUS - asdf (if said quickly can pass for as if) asdf I'd do that Mention that blog you read in 1972, you meant to tweet it to them at the time but your wifi was down.