Reference things people don't get
Every single time someone passes you a towel, tell them not to panic, if they realise you are quoting Hitch hikers guide, wink and simply say "my brain isn't the only thing the size of a planet" If they are still going a long with the joke and are laughing you MUST shout "MY PENIS IS HUGE" at your crotch.
This works best if you are a women
Use humour that requires basic coding knowledge for full impact say it outloud (less than "f" "a" "c"...")
If by some miracle someone gets this joke, walk away from the conversation and never speak to them again, you were too close to happiness.
Make stuff up, this ensures no one will get the reference and will cause further confusion when they look it up later.
Jesus, your hair looks just like the cpu on that old game, Framtron on the Xenus 2.
Ensure you make everyone come and look at your comparison and when they don't see it or get bored and what to walk away repeat "don't you see it? FOR THE LOVE OF F@*KING HELL they are exactly the same.
Another way references can really get peoples backs up is to say they look just like Ashley from back home, use this as an excuse to insult Ashley only mentioning that he/she recently went through major corrective surgery after 20 solid minutes.
Dump your significant other by quoting shakespeare, when she gets her hopes up, tell her she is Caliban.
When relieving a grieving widow, compare her hardship to the penultimate level of frogger, reminding her that she can't just insert another coin and he is definitely permadead.
At your anniversary dinner, compare the first time you met your significant other to the holocaust, then try and comfort her telling her no, no no "We're both the Nazis"
Cry loudly on the bus, if someone asks you what is wrong, tell them "she's in another castle"
Drop the word qwerty into all conversations, it can have the following meanings,
horny - Touch me, oh yea you're making me so qwerty
cheeky(bad) - I could smack his face in the qwerty bastard
someones name - Qwerty, pass me the ruler
BONUS - asdf (if said quickly can pass for as if)
asdf I'd do that
Mention that blog you read in 1972, you meant to tweet it to them at the time but your wifi was down.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Monday, 11 June 2012
An idiots guide to England Vs France
The game kicks off in 3 hours, do you need to blag your way into knowing what the hell they're talking about? I do.
Kick off: 5pm
At Donbass Arena, Donetsk
Competetion: 2012 UEFA European Football Championship
Group D
Past History
France
4-3-3
(Roy) Hodgson is note favoured by the England mass fans.
Four England team members are injured, this team might not be the one Hodgeson would have chosen, probably aren't.
Wayne Rooney is missing due to being suspended from a red card, first of 2 game suspension.
France (sometimes called Les Bleus, the blues) need to prove themselves after doing poorly in the world cup 2 years ago. This was under a different Manager.
In 2004, France won 2-1 despite being behind at 90 minutes.
If Theo Wallcot plays on the wide midfield positions, that would suggest an attacking intensive. However Downing is more likely as he is more defensive and a draw would be considered a positive result as France are favourites to win.
Patrick Avra and Phillippe Mexes have failed to impress recently, this would make the left back weak and a good place for England to attack, however this requires they pass Nasri a skilled player.
Both teams will accept a draw over a loss for either club could dash their chances entirely, some very defensive play.
The Main three for France are Nasri, Benzema and Ribery. England lacks star strikers/players such as this.
Welbeck can score but pretty one trick poneyish
France plays a narrow game, England could win in the wings.
England is not flexible, if France start with a goal or pushing England back that could be the end of the first half.
France also have superior possession tactics as just like Arsenal they play a beautiful passing game.
If England lose to France, they will probably have to beat Ukraine and Sweden to be considered a runner up, this is unlikely.
Only the runner up and the winner of the group goes into the next round.
Wayne Rooney was red carded in England v Montenegro, it was a fairly obvious foul but not necessarily malicious.
Kick off: 5pm
At Donbass Arena, Donetsk
Competetion: 2012 UEFA European Football Championship
Group D
Past History
Last win 1997
Last draw 2000
3 defeats on the trot
Total wins in past 60 years 6
Total losses in past 60 years 6
Total draws in past 60 years 4
England
Formation 4-4-1-1
4-3-3
4-4-1-1
Stronger defence puts pressure on centre forward and second striker as they have to make chances, the midfield and defenders are more close-nit, this makes the opposing team's job harder as there are a lot of men to mark. Requires very skilled centre forward striker.4-3-3
Attacking, strong midfielders and strong attackers, requires specialists to start like this most move into it during play. Ball can be put up the pitch quicker, as there's more movement in attacking. Good to play wide and go down the wing.Although France may choose 4-2-3-1
Not defensive but not overly attacking, relies on the midfield to "screen" for defense, so to not allow people past them, AND to initiate attacks from rear midfield, so starting to attack from right down frances end.
Provides a very wide spray of members and France defeated Brazil with this formation in 2006.
Requires very good wingmen. It requires the right back and left back to attack and needs a strong sense of purpose. A flexible formation, providing everyone knows what they are doing.
Important notes
French Manager (Laurent) Blanc has a 21 unbeaten current run, making this game his 22nd consecutive win.(Roy) Hodgson is note favoured by the England mass fans.
Four England team members are injured, this team might not be the one Hodgeson would have chosen, probably aren't.
Wayne Rooney is missing due to being suspended from a red card, first of 2 game suspension.
France (sometimes called Les Bleus, the blues) need to prove themselves after doing poorly in the world cup 2 years ago. This was under a different Manager.
In 2004, France won 2-1 despite being behind at 90 minutes.
If Theo Wallcot plays on the wide midfield positions, that would suggest an attacking intensive. However Downing is more likely as he is more defensive and a draw would be considered a positive result as France are favourites to win.
Patrick Avra and Phillippe Mexes have failed to impress recently, this would make the left back weak and a good place for England to attack, however this requires they pass Nasri a skilled player.
Both teams will accept a draw over a loss for either club could dash their chances entirely, some very defensive play.
The Main three for France are Nasri, Benzema and Ribery. England lacks star strikers/players such as this.
Welbeck can score but pretty one trick poneyish
France plays a narrow game, England could win in the wings.
England is not flexible, if France start with a goal or pushing England back that could be the end of the first half.
France also have superior possession tactics as just like Arsenal they play a beautiful passing game.
If England lose to France, they will probably have to beat Ukraine and Sweden to be considered a runner up, this is unlikely.
Only the runner up and the winner of the group goes into the next round.
Wayne Rooney was red carded in England v Montenegro, it was a fairly obvious foul but not necessarily malicious.
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Thursday, 7 June 2012
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